


I wanna breathe you in

by dnalow



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellarke, F/M, Post-Episode: s04e13 Praimfaya, Post-Season/Series 04, Season/Series 05, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-04
Updated: 2017-09-04
Packaged: 2018-12-23 20:12:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,860
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11997120
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dnalow/pseuds/dnalow
Summary: My thoughts (and hopes) about what could happen during season 5. Clarke's alone on Earth and tries to survive while Bellamy, Raven and others have to stand each other on a daily basis in space. How head and heart managed to live without one another for such a long time?





	I wanna breathe you in

**Author's Note:**

> Hi there :) This is my first ever au and I want to make it a really slow burn, extremely angsty, so if you're up for that - I hope you'll enjoy! Also English is not my first language so any advice on how to improve my writing is appreciated and much needed ;)
> 
> Special thanks to Twitter user @thebellarkeshit - Mir, I love you, you inspired me to start writing this <3 And also to amazing @labiblioratre whose fanfic is out of this world and who helped me with my anxiety while creating my own.

He couldn’t believe he was back on Earth. Sun still warmed up the skin, wind caressed it and the smell of dirt filled the soul with pure happiness. It was exactly how he remembered, like he belonged there, like he was finally back home. Bellamy opened his eyes to see for himself what he had missed for so long – beauty of green, brown and blue, dancing in front of him in a perfect harmony. It was quiet and calm, his heart was full of hope and excitement.

'Hey' he heard her beautiful voice just behind him, ‘we made it.’ He could hear her smile. Her small hand found it’s place in his strong one. He looked at her, love and tears in his eyes, and all he could do was draw her closer, placing a gentle kiss on her forehead. He knew that being on Earth wasn’t the only reason he felt like he belonged again– it was her. His home was where she was.

‘We did it, Princess,’ he finally managed to reply, stroking her soft cheek with his other hand, his lips brushing her delicate skin with every word.

He felt whole and happy, his girl in his arms, safe.

But something was wrong. Clarke looked up at him, her eyes hazy and sad, saying with bitterness and sorrow in her voice: ‘You left me, Bellamy. You left me to die.’

And her beautiful face suddenly was covered in burns, their surroundings changed in a blink of an eye to the rough, empty desert covered in gray dust. Clarke’s hand left his own, her body falling to the ground, unconscious. He caught her with his arm, now kneeling, his other hand stroking her blond hair.

‘No, no, no, no, no, I would never do that,’ he whispered, his tears dropping on her face, every one of them meeting her burned skin with a hiss, leaving new scars, as if he cried with acid. Bellamy realised he was hurting her even more but he couldn’t stop the tears and couldn’t look away from Clarke’s burned body. ‘No, no, no, no, don’t you dare die on me, don’t you dare” he begged her, raising her numb body closer to himself, her head to his chest, his lips in her hair. ‘Don’t leave me, don’t leave me, don’t leave me.’ He closed his eyes, tears still streaming down his face, repeating his prayer over and over again.

And just like that, he could no longer feel her body in his embrace, too scared to open his eyes, to see her really gone.

 

‘Bell, come on,’ he heard familiar voice. ‘Wake up.’ He still couldn’t bring himself to open his eyes, terrified of that awful place and lack of Clarke in his arms.

‘You had another nightmare, you can open your eyes now.’ It was like someone who was shaking his arms could read his mind. It took all his strength to do it. He blinked few times, darkness all around him, but he could see dark figure sitting on the edge of his bed.

‘Raven.’ He could hear tears in his own voice. He lifted himself on his arm and turned on a little lamp he put in his room during their first day back on the Ark. Raven was clearly worried about him and he knew that – as a good leader, who listens to his head more that he listens to his heart - he had to be strong for all of his friends.

_All but one._

He quickly shook his head, wanting that piercing thought to leave his mind.

‘I’m okay’ he said but couldn’t look Raven in the eye, both of them knowing it was a lie.

‘Like hell you are’ she scoffed, shaking her head in disbelief. ‘It’s been only three weeks, Bell. You have to give yourself some time to heal.’

Three weeks full of work, adjusting the Ark, fixing it, trying to make it work so it could be their home for the next five years. They had so much to do, that he really hadn’t have time to think about her during the day, but she visited him every night in his sleep, torment and godsend at the same time.

He finally looked at Raven to see that her eyes were full of tears, however, she wasn’t crying. ‘I miss her too, you know? You’re not the only one who lost her.’ He knew it was true, but he also knew that it was him who swore to protect her, to keep her safe - and he failed.

‘I failed her’ his voice was echoing his thoughts and he could feel warm tears on his cheeks. Raven sent him a sad smile.

‘You did the right thing, Bellamy’ she said, taking his hand. ‘You know it was the only choice.’ It felt like someone had punched him, instantly having one of his last conversations with her right in front of his eyes.

‘It’s an oxymoron, you know?’ he asked Raven in a heartbreaking voice full of emptiness and suffering.

_So is cold sweat._

Another though he had to shake. He wasn’t ready to face all of it yet, now the Ark was a priority, fixing all that’s been left and keeping all seven of them alive until they’ll be able to come back home.

_Home is where she is._

He remembered what he felt in his dream, the only place he truly belonged.

‘What time is it?’ he asked, desperately wanting to keep himself occupied, to think about anything else.

‘It’s the middle of the night, you moron’ Raven replied, squeezing his hand a bit tighter. ‘Go to sleep. We need you tomorrow in a good shape, fully rested.’ She stood up, but Bellamy tightened his grip on her hand and she looked at him again, question in her eyes.

‘Thank you.’ And he let her go. She smiled at him again and walked out not saying another word. Because, quite frankly, there was absolutely nothing left to say. They left her on Earth, to die alone in the amount of pain that had him shivering just at the thought of it. It should have been him, not her. He could feel another tear falling down, and another, and another one. He knew he would not fall asleep again, so he got out of bed and walked out of his room, only to find himself going in the direction of the biggest window - to look down on Earth. The Ark was quiet, the only sounds he could hear were machine hum, his steps and a steady beat of his heart. He was actually surprised it was beating at all, fairly convinced that he left in on Earth, right next to her.

He finally reached the window and stood there looking down for what felt like hours. Deep inside he hoped that if he stared long enough he would be able to hear her voice, telling him that she’s alive, that nightblood worked, that she’s waiting for him to return. But he heard nothing. He raised his hand to the glass, touching it with his finger tips, and whispered:

‘I’m so sorry, Princess.’

 

 

*

 

She was dead. Definitely, unquestionably, completely deprived of any vital signs apart from dreadful pain pushing and crushing every nerve ending in her body. She was finally atoning for her countless sins, this aching sensation washing them all away. Was she in hell? She really couldn’t tell, if so – it was what she deserved. She killed so many people, innocent amongst them - that was true, but worst of all was the thought of many lives she wasn’t able to save. Her people, her friends, and now she could see all of them, crying in pain, asking her for help, but all she could do was just stare motionless, speechless, while her body kept burning.

Until she saw his face. The person she wanted to live the most, the person she would die for again without a doubt, the only person who fully understood her and never let her feel like she had committed all those sins by herself. He always told her they were together in all of this. Together. She wasn’t sure when this simple word changed its meaning in their conversations. When from reassuring each other that they were not alone it transformed into something as deep and meaningful as love confession.

She saw him in pain, shouting her name, that she hadn’t done it, that they were all dead because of her, that she killed more people she loved.

Clarke could finally feel something – wetness around her eyes. Tears? So she wasn’t dead. The thought hit her hard and quickly, she was relieved and a bit disappointed at the same time. If she had really been dead, it would all finally be over. All the pain she was constantly causing, all the awful things that have been happening around her and she could have done nothing about.

She wasn’t dead, but she was burning. Radiation. Clarke tried really hard to open her eyes or move any muscle in her body – but she couldn’t feel anything.

 

She wasn’t sure how many hours (days?) have passed or where she was, but she could at least finally move her fingers. It hurt like crazy but she knew she was alive and she somehow had to fight the urge to stay like this, letting the death come for her. Clarke slowly stretched out her arms, every move causing her pain. She could feel her toes, feet, eventually her legs, all burning, but with every motion she was more and more proud of herself, commanding the death once again. She finally managed to raise her head a little bit, straighten her back with an awful cracking sound and partially lift her heavy eyelids. She was in Becca’s lab, power was shockingly on, probably thanks to some kind of additional generator they knew nothing about. Or maybe solar panels weren’t all destroyed, maybe Praimfaya wasn’t as ruthless as they thought.

She was laying on floor, her face surrounded by the pool of black blood. So that’s why she was alive. Nightblood really worked. Clarke wiped her lips from already half-dried liquid that remained there and looked at her dirty fingers in awe. She owed her life to it. Also, she instantly noticed that her skin was severely burned. So that’s where all the pain was coming from. She looked around, trying to put everything that happened together. The wave, world ending, fear, hours of constant agony – it all have been insignificant compared to extreme void she felt where her heart should be, to alarming twinge in her chest at the thought of her friends. Did they make it? Was she successful? She knew one thing for sure - she could not even imagine thinking they were dead. She just couldn’t bear losing them, people she loved. There has already been too much death surrounding her. Clarke could feel tears gathering in her eyes, but she knew that if she let herself cry, she wouldn’t survive.

She had to be strong and have hope – because she was still breathing.


End file.
